Tips for new guys - Preparing, Searching, and Finding

Dear CranberryTea,
you put us together with Olga but I have never commented that Slavic women are special. Nation is more a matter of taste - some like Slavic, some Brasilians, some Tais... Nation doesn' make you a good wife or a mother. I am not blind not to see the reality around me.

I personally stay away from agitation of foreign men to Russian women bcs I see our advantages as well as disadvantages quite clearly. They are not for every man in every day life.
Plus I have met people (women and men) from all over the world (due to my work) so I can say that we are all the same. Slight differences are coming from mentality but still .. you can meet 84 y.o.Turkish woman, ruling family business and wearing jeans all her life.

So don't you think that we mostly deal with stereotypes ?

With respect
Tina

Yes, it's a pity.. I wish you could add something to ladies' chatts too It would be fair.

I do not mean to infer you agree with Olga or do not.

I am not a young man, and a have had a great study in human nature for many years. Currently I have friends who come from or currently live in ten countries. Europe, Asia, Africa, and South America. I lived and worked in Europe for several years, traveled extensively. I have watched and I people the way they are. Often the reasons are gender, sometimes genetic, sometimes culture. By seeing and watching so many cultures, the patterns emerge. So when I say women are generally more emotional, it is a stereotype. But compared to men, it is true. This is humanity. It does not degrade a human to say what they are. I do not mean disrespect. I can say men are as they are, and I will say women are as they are. It is not correct in all cases, but it is a place to start to look for truth. While the idea of a 'stereotype' is out of fashion, it is so because it offends not because it is necessarily untrue. So I will not dismiss a stereotype without thought. I ask, in this case is it truthful? I will not jump to stereotype and stop using my mind, that is a sign of a child's intellect.

So now why would I say women from the FSU are superior to American women? I believe it is the influence of culture. You see and know the good and bad of your culture, I will say that I also see and will admit the flaws in mine. The following is my opinion, and it will not be shared by most of the men here.

In my country we have raised several generations of women who have been told motherhood is a curse. They have been taught boys are stupid and that a man is an object to be discarded. Women here most often initiate divorces, not the men. A man is seen as a flawed creature to be caged and domesticated. A mule to carry packages. Most of the men I know are unhappy in marriage because they cannot be men. They have been told not to protect, not to lead. The women here do not respect us as men, so we are not happy. Often they are not even happy, because she wants a man but has been told she cannot be a woman. We are out of balance.

So for years I have listened to happy husbands with wives from the FSU. They tell me their women demand to be women and allow their men to be men. They are more aware of a mans nature and they accept rather than despise what they cannot change. We are all flawed, each in their own way. A good man or woman will understand and accept the traits which are trivial rather than trying to push the other out of shape to suit themselves. In time all people always snap back into shape.

So my opinion is, women from the FSU are superior. It is my opinion because I have defined what 'better' is. Some will say more beautiful, some will say stronger, some will say more mature. I say better mothers and wives for the reasons I describe.

So when I looked for a woman, I looked in America for a year. It is harsh to say, but I found no woman I wanted. So I came here. I talk to many to find the right one. The stereotype was the start, not the end. I am happy so I am biased.

Forgive me if I am a cheerleader! When I find something good my instinct is to tell others.

So tell me about the women of the Russia you know, what advantages and disadvantages? Define everyday man and and tell me why they would not fit with a Russian woman. Perhaps I can confirm. It is said Americans will speak of anything, and I will speak of more than most Americans.

It's interesting to talk to you, CranberryTea. And I really enjoy our conversation
AND I have nothing against your cheerleading for Russian women bcs I am one of them so I benefit from it anyway...
Our advantages and disadvantages are the same as advantages and disadvantages of American or European women. Similar to what you explained in your previous message. Families where I see partnership, balance, harmony are rare here too.

..First I wrote you a long story with examples from life around me ...then I realized that i can say my feelings easier and more clear (sorry I didn't say them this way last time):
dear men ! if you search for a wife from FSU bcs you think her origin (call it culture, mentality, traditions and so on) is a clue to a happy ever-lasting relationship - be careful - you can get something similar. Your problems should be solved by you. The nation of your woman should not be a target. It is just one of the facts in her biography.

The same is with our women. If they want to solve their problems through you - they will be very dissappointed at the end. Same problems will be waiting for them in every part of the world after landing at the airport...

I have seen this wisdom before, there is a book here. "Ten things men do to mess up (destroy) their lives". The one that applies here some men need to "Rescue a Princess". As men we look to slaying the Dragon when we should be asking "Why do princesses seem to seek out Dragons?"

I agree, it is all about motivation and intention. Sometimes we solve our problems through the other in an honorable way. If I have no children and find a woman who wants them also, the problem is solved for both. If I need a loving and faithful wife and I find a woman that wants a loving and faithful husband then the problem is solved for both. If it is poverty that is to be solved for the woman and man chooses to fulfill a selfish need to feel young or have a trophy woman they are doomed to fail. But these are all issues between men and women, they have been with us since the beginning of time. It is about being wise and making a proper choice.

I have told you of the imbalance in American relationships, I would like to hear why Russian relationships are out of balance. I have read this many times in women's profiles. Fidelity, partnership, respect, and love. It puzzles me, because this is not something you should have to ask for. This defines the proper relationship between a man and woman. So what is unbalanced in Russia between men and women?

One final thing, when I speak of your sisters it is with envy. I have no wise mother to consult, they are a great asset. I see the young ones ask and the wise women answer. In the end each woman makes her own choice, but a wise person (man or woman) gives great consideration to their elders wisdom. As a man it is easy to find a mentor if you need to fix an auto, grill a steak, or build a fence. When it comes to love it is taboo. Men look as if to say, "Why do you ask me? I don't understand women either!" In matters of the heart women are king.

[quote="cranberrytea
I have told you of the imbalance in American relationships, I would like to hear why Russian relationships are out of balance. I have read this many times in women's profiles. Fidelity, partnership, respect, and love. It puzzles me, because this is not something you should have to ask for. This defines the proper relationship between a man and woman. So what is unbalanced in Russia between men and women?
[/quote]

Okay, here is imbalance in Russian way...
The generations living now are the "consequence" of 4 wars (3 of them on our territory), 2 revolutions and about 15 years of genocide (in Stalin's times) of the last century.
The disbalance of men and women has brought matriarchy to Soviet (now Russian) society. Wars made women rule things inside country and family while men were fighting. Men were absolutely not enough after the wars and became a kind of "treasure". As a consequence - sons were raised as treasures, daughters - as fighters.

My surrounding stories are more or less the same.
STILL my girlfriends prepare their daughters to a hard life by pushing them for education and every possible knowledge or skill and THE SAME mothers treat their sons like "sultans" ! Same women treat their husbands as second sort. Why ? their husbands are sons of other women - raised in care and with no responsibilies and obligations - they are less educated, less ambitious, they want a couch, a beer and a football game. They do not earn, are not interested in anything too much. Their wives complain - we do not want to sleep with them 1) bcs are too tired of earning money for a family 2) bcs their men do not make them feel "women". These women make decisions themselves bcs their men do not earn money. The character becomes quite a man-like.
Guess what they do ? they try to change husbands - send them to uni, find them a better job....even "better" friends ! and of course as they can not change their husbands - they divource or live unsatisified. Does it remind you smth ?

There is another way (smaller group than the first one). When a man is eans money. These stories are even sadder than the first ones.

and the third type is a golden middle - people who 1) were lucky to meet exactly this person who suits them so much 2) managed to keep feelings, understanding and are really happy together.

BUT - the thing is that it is not worse or better than in any country - more or less the same as in Germany (what I heard from Germans), USA (have gf married with an American guy), Italians (poor people - they hardly ever marry ), Austrians, Swiss ...

In my turn - may I ask you to desribe an "average" American man and woman - middle class -my age (33 y.o. or around 40) what are their life like ?
I was in States but years ago - 1995. I was only 18 then.
Just curious to know your opinion thanks in advance))

Tinna, you have confirmed what I have suspected. You have done with boys what we have done with our daughters. When I read this explanation long ago I thought, perfect match for an American man. When both a man and woman have had the same pain, they appreciate it's absence. Not always the case, but there is at least hope. I have worked with Russian men, many. Your description is confirmation of what I have seen here. I did not trust enough to say all or most, too small a sample.

For your girls, the idea is new to me. These women would do well here also, if that had lived with a Russian man first and could appreciate the right man. We call these pairings a 'Power Couple'. Both professional and driven. I could not live this life, little time for children. But there are men here who would welcome a wife of this type.

Life for a middle class family, 30 to 40. It varies greatly based on location. Centers of wealth, power, industry, commerce. I am familiar with these so I will describe them. Both men and women work, man usually earns more. Woman works at a job she loves with less emphasis on salary or stays home. 1-2 children in public school, they participate in many many many activities like sports. Parents are required to take their children to these places even after long day of work. Children are pampered and catered to, most would say spoiled. My child is included, which is my failure. The mother is very permissive, you can only fight so long. Two mid-priced autos. One a mini-van or SUV, one a small car for work. Modest home, three or four bedrooms two bathrooms. In cities apartments, smaller. Sometimes they do not have an auto, no need because of public transportation. The economy is poor right now, as it is for the world. Middle class people feel it less than lower classes because they have education and marketable skills. We would say it is not easy to find new work, but compared to Russia it is a dream. Anyone here willing to move to find a job can have one if they have a skill.

So life is comfortable if you have work. Many plentiful cheap goods, extra money to be spent. Probably not as prosperous as 1995. Soon the economy will speed up and people will have work as it always does. American politics has a great capability to heal the country, but that is another topic.

Did I answer your question?

Kyle, you won't provoke me. Smarter forum trolls have tried. I just sit here laughing while you dig yourself into a hole.

Bitterness and anger are eating you alive. So you hide behind your screen and try to play the bully. I thought perhaps you were having a bad day so I let it slide. Now my primary hope is, your lady is reading your posts so that she will see what she is getting into. I know your type, you will eventually take it out on your woman.

And by the way, a forum troll is:

A troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into a desired emotional response[1] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.

Credit Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_(Internet)

What I am is a 'Participant'.

Tinna wrote: ":lol: I personally stay away from agitation of foreign men to Russian women bcs I see our advantages as well as disadvantages quite clearly. They are not for every man in every day life."

Perhaps you would care to elaborate on this? I have my own opinions, but am highly interested to hear the perspective of a Russian woman.

To me, women from Russia, Ukraine, and other FSU ladies seem to have been raised with more traditional male/female roles, especially those in my age group (I am 51). Judging by comments about themselves in their profiles, they seem more focused on the home and family life, with a desire for a cozy and comfortable environment in the home. Many claim the love to cook meals, iron the shirt in the morning, etc. In return, they wish to be loved, respected, and protected.

This is the kind of life my grandparents, and to a lesser extent, my parents. experienced. I think American men on a whole miss those days when male/female roles were more clear. Whether the modern American man is actually ready for such a role is another topic, but I think most would find the thought of such a life attractive.

Please share your thoughts.

as I understand Svit wrote these words for me because he knows I can take them at a right way....Svit, yes I do glad you can overcome and look at the past with fun already - strong man

still be carefull with Euro babes - they can be witchs - several centures we had even inquisition to catch them. Seems it faild.

Yes, you did It very much reminds me what I hear from my girlfriend living in PA, married with a nice American guy. But of course she sees life in USA through her mentality (some things we do not understand - it concerns how the kids are being raised).
That's why it was interesting to know how you, native American, see things.

And it is quite close to what I saw in 1995 staying with my American host family in Seattle surrounding. I met many interesting people through them within 3 months of my stay. And the nature I saw (we drove almost the whole WA state) is very impressive. I am very thankful to this couple - Vonda and Phil. They were also a good example of what family is. ....Many nice memories

[quote="EphemeralOne
Please share your thoughts.[/quote]

Okay, but I want to say in advance - everything what I write here is my opinion only. It is based on my life experience, my mentality (which is not very much Russian as I am told) and on my feeling that the world is small and full of similar things as well as full of surprises which are just next door to us, no need to go thousand km.

Advantages and disadvantages are not so different from what you consider the advantages and disadvantages of American women. BUT:
To me - we are definately more caring about house keeping and cooking. Many women do enjoy it. My age (33) and even younger ones. A lot depends on the family traditions. Some part would prefer to stay at home if the income of family is decent.
We are also raised in the certain rules how to bring up a child. Mothers spend time and nerves on making their children self-dependent in the every day life. For ex., pampers for a 3 y.o. child is nonsense !!!
Advantage is the way we take care of ourselves. Even not having too much money women try to make themselves attractive and feminin at least from outer side.

Disadvantage is that we spoil men ourselves. In Russian couples this process is fast and in most of the cases - irreversable. Women when they are in love care about men toooooo much thinking that their care is a great sign of love. They do everything themselves (bcs they "care" for men and bcs women are sure they will do everything at the house or with a child better)... After some time women blame men - they do not care, thave no initiative and so on. BUT who is guilty ?

International marriage is first giving a chance for more balance. Women will depend of their foreign husbands first time. It means BY CIRCUMSTANCE the roles will be more or less traditional - woman is at home, man is at work.
What happens after we never know. Russian rulette
From my opinion the chances for success are higher if there is reasons of searching a woman abroad are true and real...

If you have any questions, please, ask

It's right!
Tinna! 100% and +!

Tinna,

In my case I am reassured by your comments. I am also often told my thoughts are not typically American. You are 'Intellectually Honest'. That is rare here, most people prefer to live in a fog of self delusion. This clear vision of reality is not a common trait in women here.

On children, they should be self reliant. This is a weakness in America, many believe the children are being groomed for socialism by the bureaucracy and educational workers unions. Dependence on the system assures them control and power. It is a serious problem. The advantage is that children of Russian mothers will have a competitive edge, because for now we are still somewhat of a meritocracy. Self reliance and creative problem solving are highly prized. We are a society built on innovation.

You also see spoiling a man as a disadvantage, but it depends on the man. Honestly, I came here because I do not want to do anything in the home. I am driven in my career and I need a woman who will manage the home for me without my input. I need a wife, mother, and hostess. If I had this I would be free to pursue additional education and explore new career opportunities. Instead I spend time on domestic tasks. American women still expect a man to do half of the tasks in the home even if she does not work.

When you speak of a womans ultimate disappointment in her marriage, what you describe is a womans need to admire her husband. Admiration of her husband is reasonable and I believe universal in women. Two people must admire and cherish each other for their strengths and efforts. So I think the lesson for a man is; Russian women give more, and expect more in return. Some men have seen this here and have written their woman has inspired them to be better men.

You have also given me an insight I did not have before. With your explanation I know believe I know why so many women here have 'Ambitious' as a requirement in their profile. If the normal man sits on the couch and does not work or earn this would be something to admire in a man.