Is not visiting the home and family a deal breaker

Hello All,

I just recently came back from Russia. In the conversations prior to the trip we had talked about visiting the home and family. During my visit, there were excuses as to why I could not visit the home and I never met the family. Please tell me your thoughts on this.

Thanks

_________________
To be happy with someone else, you must first be happy with yourself!

Sorry to hear about what happened Hatman, it must be very disappointing.

My only guesses are: 1. she is telling the truth 2. She doesn't want her friends to know what she is doing. 3 She didn't like you very much

My "Guess" is... she doesn't want people around her (friends, family) to know what she is doing until she is certain that what she tells them is true, to save herself embarrassment or her children's feelings later if it does not work....

Did you become engaged? If "yes" and she would not introduce you... I would be VERY upset. If "NO"... then I think she may wait until she is more certain of her circumstances... I'll ask for an opinion from the lady I am speaking with.. I wonder what Olga believes about this??

Olga? What do you think?

I wouldn't read too much into it right now, give her some time. Give her a few days and write to ask in a gentle way. if you can't communicate in something as safe as a message you aren't going to be able to make it in the long run. She is giving up a lot, so my advice is to be patient.

You should read solarb's story. There is a lot of wisdom to be found in the way he won over his bride, and they seem very happy.

Personally, I can see that in my situation the roles will be reversed. I want to be in love with the woman before I meet the family. I don't want the fact she has a great family to cloud my decision.

Hello
I am really afreid to give any advices at this situation. Often somebody's bad experience can destroy your own relationships so i hope you will read all oppinions but you have cold head in order to make your own decision.

Moreso I shall not even give any advices but if you want one story...2 years ago my friend (she was 34 the man was after 50) went to the meeting with the man to Kiev. They booked apartments and she told all of us (her friends) that she is going to meet a man from Germany. He came earlier, she next day near midday. So she came - the first hello some speaking than she asked to go to watch the town as she never had seen Kiev before: "By the way lets eat something I am hungry after the road" (the road took her 19 hours by train). His answer was: "No I am not hungry, have seen already Kiev and prefer to spend this time with you at the bed". So she said: "Ok sorry but I am very hungry shall go to buy something to eat". She walked a while around the Kiev than went to the railwaystation and bought the ticket home. She didn't even call him back that she was not going to return. The explanations what was wrong with the visit made her tired. So about her SECOND man-visit we have learnt only 2 months after they both were sure that these relations are empty. But this is an other story....as you understand the girl now is not going to tell about her relationships before something is rather clear.

Yes we did descussed with girls at the forum if it is clever to show her man for parents and friends at the first meeting. The majority advice to tell nobody about her man and her relations. He will return home and think well ...she will think also and if they are still together so it can be future.
Sorry if I have upset anybody... never take somebody's words as a ruler. Everyone has his own love-story and his own life. There are a lot of happy stories and great chance that your story would be lucky and happy.

Boys, seems as if the situation "she didn't show me her family" made you very sad.

Why sad??? May be not to take it so serious?
The girl really can have several reasons not to show you for parents.
Are you really ready at the first visit to answer the questions: "What for did you come? What are your plans?" I think at the first visit they are difficult to be answered.
Moreso if the town is not very big - the news about your coming will soon come to her working place and she has great risk to lost the job.
Perheps She confuses to show you her parents at least if the family is not very intellegent - may be she is afreide to lost you.


Ok - let's look the most worst variant of the situation - she is not sure about future relations and doesn't want to develope them. But I think the man doesn't need the woman who can't appreciate him well. If he still insist he wants just this woman - it would be his choose. If not he has to be glad that he escaped the bad woman for him.

But you see I am still sure that if two people speak enought before and honest with each other their first visit whould be as "a cherry at the top of the cake". Naive????

MrHatman, this is one of the most interesting strings of dialogue I have read on this chat page. I think you question is good and the advice others provided was amazingly good. Sometimes I'm very disappointed by "advise opinions" that get posted here.
I'll tell you a success story from LoversPlanet that is 100% current. I pulled a lady's profile and photos from this site and sent them to a friend of mine. He liked the photos but told me he didn't want a Russian wife. In the process, I asked the lady's permission and exchanged a few emails. She wrote back the other day that she met a LoversPlanet man in Russia, had a great time and is now scheduled to meet him again in a Western European country. He lied to her about his age (his Online age was 40-ish; his true age was 60) but she said she didn't mind. Based on what I have learned from her, I'm predicting that a marriage will result from this. I wish stories like this were more common. I don't know who the guy is, but he's getting a wonderful woman who has the solarb seal of approval.
Back to MrHatman's question. I agree that you should tell her you were disappointed that you did not get to meet her family. Ask if she is willing to tell you why that meeting didn't happen. It may be that she has an alcoholic father or any number of things. On the surface, it's not a reason to dump the girl. Not if you really like her.
Good luck to all. My mother-in-law has been here for 6 weeks. Time is flying by. My wife signed her up on a US dating site and next weekend a guy is driving here from another state to meet her. The mother-in-law is wonderful. She swims in our pool every morning, loves gardening, has pulled more weeds in 6 weeks than I could do all summer. The yard looks fantastic. She even likes the same restaurants as I like. My Russian step-daughter--in every way a real daughter--just got her braces off and looks fantastic.
If you want true love and a wonderful family, keep shopping through LoversPlanet and there's a good chance you can find it. The odds aren't nearly as good for the women. I'm sorry about that. For men, it's a shopper's paradise.

Thanks for your feedback. This really helps. Maybe my expectations were a little too high, but I know the lady and I had discussed this topic before I had arrived. It was my understanding that I would meet them and visit the home. I was really looking forward to it. There were a few other things that didn't seem quite right, but I will not mention that here in the forum. I know that when I travel abroad to visit a lady that is living with her parents or any other relatives, it would be nice to meet them especially if there has been solid correspondence over a period of time.

When I first traveled to the Ukraine, I had met a lady named Anna. She had a son that was 4 at the time. She made arrangements for the boy to be cared for during my visits. There was a meeting and a celebration at her sisters where I met most of the family on my very first trip. I had to make a special trip to visit the grandfather at his home as he wasn't feeling well. But this helped me feel welcomed to be there in the Ukraine and with these people. Unfortunately, the ex-husband would not sign the paperwork so all our efforts to gain the Visa eventually ended with her staying in the Ukraine. So the search continues. The last 2 ladies I met would not allow me to meet anyone in their family and I spent a great deal of time waiting for them. I definitely did not feel like a priority while I was there, but a responsibility until I left for home. So lets hope the next lady is more open and willing to share her life as a whole.

_________________
To be happy with someone else, you must first be happy with yourself!

Ladies, if a man takes the time and effort to visit your country AND YOU. It is only common courtesy that you focus your time on HIM while he is there! It is difficult and expensive to visit your country. The man deserves better consideration!

I certainly hope if a man goes to these great efforts to visit you, and he is received SO POORLY, that the men exchange your name among ourselves so that no one else makes the mistake to visit you again, perhaps only to be received so improperly.

I do not know that was wrong in a case with mrhatman …. But I can tell other story which has occurred to my familiar woman. She has allowed to tell about it.
It was in correspondence during half a year with the man from America which has assured it that he is 42 years old. This woman is 32 years. She prepared seriously for a meeting. Certainly, there it was supposed that she would acquaint him with the family and with friends. All of them with impatience waited for his arrival. And, of course, she was in a shock when has seen not the man of 42 years, but the man of 63 years who even was more old, than her parents. It has appeared that he sent photos of his young years. He wrote that has some problems with a speed on the Internet and consequently cannot use the web-cam. And she trusted him. Naturally, after that she has seen in a reality, she did not begin to acquaint him with parents and with friends. It was a shame to her to show him to her relatives and friends and to admit that he just deceived her.
Mrhatman, I think that it is necessary just to ask in what there was a problem. Probably, the girl has not been assured that relations can have continuation in the future. Probably, she has been offended by something, but did not wish to show it directly. Probably, also there was a misunderstanding, or erroneous understanding each other.
Solarb, you named this site shopping. But it’s not a shop and not the market. Not all of the woman and girls are ready to sell themselves, as the goods. The majority of women searche really for love and respect and if they do not find in the man of it then they simply refuse to continue relations.
Sorry, if this all seems to you some rude. But better to say the bitter truth than to try to deceive myself

That was probably poorly stated, solarb is a big advocate of these couples so I wouldn't assume disrespect.

So here we have a dilemma. If an American comes to eastern Europe to meet a woman and she isn't interested, it is an expensive wasted trip. If he comes to see several he is a cad and takes a chance of losing his one true love. What is a man to do?

That is the million dollar question!!! Just so you ladies know. My last trip was over $4500. The money could have been better spent on the house construction. However, I can't seem to find it in myself to quit this search.

_________________
To be happy with someone else, you must first be happy with yourself!

Here we have a little language issue. Lymargo1, there is no disrespect in my use of "shopping" as a word to describe the process we go through. Maybe the translation doesn't sound right to you, but that's how an English speaker might say it. I came to LoversPlanet looking for a true love and lifetime partner. Indeed, I was "shopping" for a true love. As Forum readers have read before, I found my cka3ka (which means fairy tale). My life with Liudmila is perfect and fantastic. She is happy; her daughter is happy; her mother (who is staying with us for 6 months) is happy. A teenage exchange student (girl) from Thailand is staying at our home. She sees me kissing and embracing my wife all the time and tells me her parents would never do that. But she likes it, she says. My daughter and mother-in-law like it, too. I've stayed on the site to be a booster for both men and women. I hope things go well for you, Lymargo1. This won't be the only translation issue that comes up. Lyuda once wrote that she wanted to give me "weasel" (small animal like a norka...mink). That made me think of an English slang term...but I was absolutely sure she didn't mean it that way. We had a good laugh but never discovered where that word came from or what she meant. Does anyone on Forum have a clue? Whatever it is, it sounds like a good thing to me!

and if anyone is wondering.. if you were going to Ukraine, that would be 35,850.00 Grivna ..

Hopefully, that will help put it into perspective for some of the ladies! Be nice when we get there!

and.. Solarb is right, he used a slang term, but it does not denote disrespect to an American. Only that we are "looking to find".

Actually, it wasn't only the money that bothers me. Traveling there can be an absolute horror show as most of you know. My last trip, I planned a 4 hour layover in JFK just to make certain I would have no problems. Well, a couple weeks before my trip, Delta changed my itinerary and I had to go to Laguardia instead with only a 3 hour layover. That meant having to retrieve my luggage and catch a ride to JFK. Everyone assured me I had plenty of time. I got to Laguardia 1/2 late, got my luggage, caught the bus to JFK, searched thru the Delta terminal for my check in point, got checked in with 5 minutes to spare, then got back in the security line once again. This line was considerably backed up and I had an hour to get thru. By the time I had gotten thru the security line, the plane was already loaded and I was one of the last ones on. Then, Delta decided to wait because there was a plane coming in late from Atlanta that had a few passengers on board. By the time we took off from JFK, we were 2 1/2 hours behind schedule. I landed in Moscow about 2 hours late and guess what. No luggage!!! I had to file a report which meant another delay. About another hour later I got thru the passport control, lost baggage claim and customs. I met the lady and we raced over to the electic train which was to take us to the Metro. She had this well planned out, so kudos to her for that!! We managed to make it to the Kosmos hotel where we could finally settle in for 1 1/2 days before the journey to her city. About an hour after arriving at the hotel, a man showed up with my luggage. Thank god!!! I had a trip to Kiev once and never saw my luggage again. I had never taken the train before so thought it may be interesting to try it. It was interesting. 16 hour train ride, mostly at night and we were sleeping so no big deal. Anyhow, my point being here is that the journey can be pretty rough as well, so be aware of this and don't let first impressions fool you. The guy your meeting at the airport likely went thru hell to get to you and will not be at his best.

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To be happy with someone else, you must first be happy with yourself!

Wow, that was discouraging. How could either of you be at your best after that? Perhaps the answer is to fly the lady to Moscow or Kiev, get each of you a room for the night and meet for breakfast!